FUNNY VIDEOS

Happy July 4th, Blog Guy. I just saw an Abe Lincoln statue made of cheese. Isn’t that disrespectful?

No. If you know your history, you know Lincoln was a passionate cheese enthusiast.

It was Abe who pushed the bounds of home entertaining by rolling up cheese and pecans together, creating the popular cheese log.

HE did that?

Sure. He called them Lincoln Logs.  He also pioneered new forms of smelly Limburger Cheese, making his own pungent recipe.

Uh-oh. What was that called?

What do you think? “Stinkin’ Lincoln.

Apart from the “Gettysburg Address,” Lincoln’s most famous speech was his 1863 “Homage to Fromage.” And, his 1864 presidential campaign slogan was ”He’s not just gouda, he’s grate!”

You’re right, I do recall something about that. What was that phrase he used to predict the mass popularity of cheese?

He called it a “feta compli.”

Gosh Blog Guy, you seem to know quite a few cheese-related puns.

Well, I don’t like to boast, but they do call me the “Münster Punster.”

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Cheez-It commissioned 700-pound life-size cheddar cheese carving of Abraham Lincoln, on display near the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, July 3, 2009. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/Cheez-It/Handout

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Blog Guy, how can I get Reuters to take my picture? I imagine I’d have to do something VERY newsworthy.

Not really. All you have to do is put on silly outfits and go from city to city like that butthead British actor whose name I’m not going to mention. We’ll take your picture everywhere you go and put out 46 pictures in two weeks, and it probably isn’t over yet.

I had no idea it was that easy! Hey, I recognize that guy - doesn’t he have a new movie out?

I wouldn’t know about that.

So wait a minute. You’re saying every time he goes to a new place, to promote the very same thing over and over, you cover it like news? But surely at some point some editor says, “Sorry, we’ve already shot that dude in London and Madrid and Berlin and Amsterdam, and that’s enough.”

You don’t get around much, do you, slick?

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Above: British actor Sacha Baron Cohen (C), dressed as a bull, poses during the Spanish premiere of his new movie, outside Madrid’s Las Ventas bull ring, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/Juan Medina

Right: REUTERS photos of Cohen in assorted other places.

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Many readers write in to ask, “Bob, where are you going on vacation this year, because we want to make sure we don’t run into you?”

My advice is, visit The Ledge, opening today at the Sears Tower in Chicago. If you’re out on The Ledge and some other guy is there, he won’t be me.

What are people thinking, going out on a clear thingy that lets them look 103 floors straight down?

Do you know how many of these things fall off the sides of buildings carrying visitors to their death every year? I don’t actually know the answer, but I just assume it’s a lot of them.

I also assume they made this thing from cheap coffee table glass, and stuck it on the side of the Sears Tower with Elmer’s Glue, because that’s how I would do it.

But don’t just listen to me. There are plenty of really important Chicago people, like Oprah Winfrey and sometimes Barack Obama and that Bob Newhart psychologist guy. When you see one of THEM out on this contraption, you let me know.

The Ledge slideshow

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Children on “The Ledge” look down through a glass floor 1,353 feet above Wacker Drive in Chicago, July 1, 2009. The Ledge is part of Skydeck Chicago located on the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower. REUTERS photos by Frank Polich

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London's transport bosses are telling travellers on the tube system to beat the heat by carrying a bottle of water with them when they venture underground.

But how many of us are refilling our bottles with tap water rather than pouring money down the tube -- not to mention the cost of recycling the plastic bottles -- by buying a new bottle of water each day?

Cue the National Hydration Council  whose eye-catching advertising campaign to encourage people to buy more "naturally sourced bottled water" -- on health grounds -- featured prominently on the underground network earlier this year.

The worrying thing for the bottled water lobby is not that people are doing what would appear to be the most sensible thing and refilling their bottles from the tap, but that Britons are replacing bottled water with sugary drinks instead.

We're told that sales of bottled water fell by 7 percent last year, with 71 percent of that decline the result of people buying sweet drinks instead. Good news for the soft drinks industry perhaps, but a worry for health officials.

Meanwhile, beneath the streets of London, the hot and flustered faces of fellow tube passengers shows just how dire it is on board the capital's underground trains when the mercury rises.

With a decent air-conditioning system on most lines a distant prospect, Transport for London (TfL) could show it cares by offering each of its cash-strapped passengers a free TfL water bottle and the opportunity to refill them at its stations.

Blog Guy, you’ve given lots of career pointers, especially warning people about jobs to stay away from. If I’m not mistaken, your advice is free?

Yes, my advice is totally gratuitous.

That’s just how it  seems to your readers. Any new jobs to avoid?

Yeah. This one in the photo.

I see what you mean!  He’s jumping from a helicopter into the water!

You don’t understand. That’s the easy part. He’s called a “mine diver.” After jumping from the chopper he looks for mines and attaches explosives to them, meaning there isn’t one single aspect of this job that appeals to me.

Pay attention, recent grads. Any job title that includes the words “underwater mine,” “diver,” “explosive” or “German Navy” means you’re better off unemployed.

Thanks. I just graduated with an Art History major.

Ah. Then you should go for this mine diver thing, if it offers dental.

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Above: German Navy mine diver jumps into water from helicopter during media exercise of the underwater diving branch of the German Navy, in the Baltic Sea off the coast of Eckernfoerde, Germany, July 1, 2009.

Right: A mine diver attaches an explosive charge dummy on a sea mine during the exercise.

REUTERS photos by Morris Mac Matzen

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This blog’s top five most popular posts for June reflected the well- rounded interests of my readers.

They clearly are absorbed by space, flocking to a post about chicks from other planets. Also the presidency - Obama eating a candy bar - and the legal system, in the form of the Phil Spector trial.

On top of that, they were fascinated by media coverage of a potential air mishap, and a post that combined travel, exercise and the arts.

It’s a wonder they don’t give college credit for reading this thing!

Here are the top five:

5. Hamana-hamana-hamana…

4. Just drive in circles while I finish my candy bar!

3. Stand up Mr. Spector. Oh, Sorry!

2. The real, actual, genuine arrival sign!

And the number one most popular post for June:

1. It don’t get no stupider than this!

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Above: Model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

Right: President Barack Obama eats a snack in his limousine as he arrives in Dresden June 4, 2009. REUTERS/ Fabrizio Bensch

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Blog Guy, are you able to answer questions about the election process in emerging democracies in other parts of the world?

Sure. My resources are endless.

Whenever there is an election these days, I see news photos of voters holding up ink-stained  fingers, I guess to keep them from casting more than one ballot.

Yes. Photographers now have a quota of ink-stained finger shots on voting day. As iconic photos go, this one has replaced the victory sign and the thumbs-up.

Looks like it makes the photographer’s job pretty easy.

Not really. You do have to make sure they’re not holding up the wrong finger in an obscene gesture. But didn’t you have a serious question?

Right. If blue ink is the way they keep elections honest, I’m worried about how the Smurfs will vote, since they’re blue to begin with.

They can’t vote. But Papa Smurf runs Smurf Village with an iron grip, and they are decades away from an election process.

But couldn’t Inventor Smurf come up with a different color ink that would…

Just let it go.

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Above: Presidental candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi holds his inked stained finger and identity card after casting his vote during the Iranian presidential election, June 12, 2009. REUTERS/Raheb Homavandi

Left: Assorted ink-stained voters, and Papa Smurf

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Quick quiz for tough economic times. What are some effective things you can do to help prevent being laid off?

a)  Be a model worker. Don’t surf the Internet, hang around the coffee machine, leave early, etc.

b) Take on extra responsibilities and learn new skills; make yourself indispensable.

c)  Offer constructive suggestions for cutting costs in other ways.

d)  Have your boss killed.

Yeah, there’s nothing funny about that last option. We have a story about a guy who was arrested after the police suspected he hired a contract killer to murder his boss in a desperate bid to avoid being laid off.

It seems the suspect, through his sister, contracted a team of six Colombians who planned and carried out the killing of the boss, who had planned to lay off the arrested man as part of a restructuring project.

What can you, as an employer, do to protect yourself from something like this?

Well, before you make your downsizing plans you may want to ask all your employees if they know any hitmen. Make it sound real casual. You also might want to find a better euphemism than “restructuring project,” which doesn’t fool anybody these days.

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Former shipyard workers wearing masks hurl objects at police during a protest in Gijon, northern Spain, in photos taken last month. REUTERS photos by Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, I’m planning a vacation in New York City. I know you’re a cosmopolitan traveler who used to live in the Big Apple. Any inside advice?

Use the bathroom before you arrive. There are never enough to go around when you’re doing tourist stuff.

Really? That’s it?

Don’t laugh. Looking through our photo file from yesterday I see that singer Mariah Carey seems to have run into this problem.

See the distressed look? Seems like she’s getting desperate when some stranger tells her the nearest one is four subway stops from there.

Plus, it looks in the photo below like she had to borrow some change from fans just to use the coin-operated facilities. Very embarrassing. She should have…

Are you a dimwit? The captions say she’s shooting a music video outside the Plaza Hotel. Nothing about bathrooms.

That’s the trouble with captions. They spoil the really fun explanations.

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Above: Director Brett Ratner and singer Mariah Carey are shown on the set of her new music video “Obsessed” outside New York’s Plaza Hotel June 29, 2009.

Left: Carey greets a fan on the set of her new music video. REUTERS photos by Allison Joyce

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Blog Guy, you don’t know me… You never saw me, we never had this conversation. I know you help people with certain fashion needs find appropriate attire. I represent the 42 million people in the Witness Protection Program. When you’re disguised all the time, it’s not easy to look chic.

Wait a minute. There are 42 million of us?

Us? You’re in the program?  Hey, clever disguise, doing a blog that anybody in the world can read. Then you know we have parties, cruises, WPP discounts… So is anybody creating fashions for us?

You bet. Check out this stuff from a new collection unveiled in Paris a couple of days ago. It’s perfect! I bought six new outfits.

Fantastic! I’ll spread it around in our monthly newsletter! Hey, wait a minute, Blog Guy. I think I know you! Were you the dude who came with us on that trip to Belgium, and called yourself  Smitty? I remember that time you….

Shut UP! Thanks a lot. Now I have to start all over again.

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Models present creations by Israeli-American designer Alber Elbaz and Lucas Ossendrijver of the Netherlands for fashion house Lanvin as part of his men’s Spring-Summer 2010 fashion collection in Paris June 28, 2009.

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